Me, moe girls and Satan I continue with commenting now that I progress through your text. :) She is a confident, take-charge person, and I love that about her… but after a half-dozen times, I found myself wondering what it would feel like to enter the code myself. I found myself increasingly resenting her selfishness. She was having ALL THE FUN of pushing the buttons, and I never got a chance. I had to laugh for a moment when I read this, especially as I have a some mental image of you both from when I have met you in person. I could see it with my mind's eye. :D Also, it is a nice example of how these things can be really subtle. Reading this I came up with two examples of things I admitted to myself to enjoy after a period of time spend practising the Four Naljors and appreciation of the senses, but was afraid to before. First, I realized that I like Black Metal music, you know that kind which goes into the whole church burning Satan worship mode. It was something I did not want to admit to myself when I was a teenager. You know, at the time (late 90s) a Satanic panic descended on Finland through some fringe Christian groups, much later than in the English speaking world. Those days, I had to even explain that my favourite power metal band was not Satan Worship. Nowadays, there is no shame any longer - despite that Black Metal is still a quite lunatic fringe thing in the end, although it has gained some hipster popularity. More recently, I had to admit to myself that I like moe anime. Liking cute anime girls with all the bright rainbow colours and whatever, is really against all proper male self image in my culture. Even in some "cultured and refined" circles of the anime fandom, moe is seen as a questionable thing, as men should only like Akira and Berserk or something. I even once wrote a vajrayana inspired blog post once about a moe anime. Sadly I have not continued with it, as the further points became really difficult explain, and some life happened. It is really peculiar to notice that one has had internal blockages about liking things which are not harmful to anyone really. I hope you can appreciate the contrasts with these two examples. When put together, it does not seem like a "proper" combination at all. Just think of this big biker-looking man in black leather (as I often am) appreciating some kawaii stuff. ^_^ I think that the consideration that hunting the shadow is a long process is a good one. Probably even one of the worst things to do would be to force oneself to go beyond the limits, as it tends to cause back-reactions and collateral damage. In addition, I found the example of the gender identity rather helpful. My moe remark connects with that a bit.